Feeling way more self-conscious about posting on my blog now that I’ve shared it with so many more people, although no one cares probably lolll but I’m trying to push through it though and remind myself why I started this in the first place. It was always meant to be a little memory lane for me—a place to look back, reminisce, and remind myself how strong I’ve been. And secondly, it’s for anyone else who might relate or resonate with it.
This whole experience has really opened my eyes to how little people share the reality of moving away from home and how much it’s glamorized. Honestly, this week has been soooo tough—a few mental breakdowns and panic attacks thrown into the mix. I’ve felt lonelier and more single than ever. Things have started to lighten up a bit, but not before I spent way too much time googling how to get out of Canada—or just out of this headspace—whether that’s going home or moving somewhere else.
I think I came here with way too-high expectations that moving countries would fix the unfulfillment I felt at home. And for a while, it did. But now the novelty has worn off (and winter’s rolled in), those same feelings are creeping back. It’s left me wanting to pack up and leave because, honestly, I’m just sick to death of this constant “healing” process. I’m tired. I just want peace, fun, contentment, companionship. I want to be in love, be a mum, share my life with someone. It’s clear there’s still more I need to work through, though.
I’m not completely sold on staying in Canada yet, but I’ve stopped panicking about needing to figure it out right this second. I’m just trying to take the pressure off and focus on literally putting one foot in front of the other to get through each day. I’m not really an avoidant type—I tend to feel my way through things rather than distract or run. So, I think I need to make a change, like finding a more social living setup. But my bigger priority right now is switching jobs. A more social house might help, but if I’m still working opposite shifts from everyone, I’ll still feel left out.
I have such a love-hate thing with my job. When I’m there, I actually enjoy it. Plus, with tips, I’m earning nearly as much as I would in a full-time job. But on my days off, I hate the thought of going in. I’ve really come to value my mornings—something I never appreciated when I worked hospitality before—and finishing late, winding down, and waking up late means missing my favorite time of day.
I’ve been making more of an effort to see friends instead of shutting myself away when I’m feeling rubbish. I’ve had a couple of evenings with them when I wasn’t working, and it’s helped. I even went swimming for the first time in forever and absolutely loved it. Swam 1k, which I’m actually pretty proud of considering how long it’s been and the fact that I’m definitely not at my fittest right now. It was a nice change from walking or running since I’ve been so over the gym these last few weeks.
The weather, though. It’s cold and gray, and I genuinely can’t remember the last time I saw the sun or the moon. The sky just goes from dark gray to light gray, and that’s the only way I know it’s daytime. And the moon, between the city lights and the tall buildings, it’s completely hidden. It’s made me realize how much I miss seeing the stars, the moon, or even a sunrise. I need to make an effort to go somewhere I can see them again soon—they always help me feel a bit more like myself.
Anyway, that’s a little life update from me. Some photos are up on @btscally if you fancy a peek.
❤️
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