Ever since I can remember—Mum, you can vouch for this—I’ve written little books about nonsense on scraps of paper, never cut straight, and stapled together. I really feel like I want to write a book now, maybe a self-development style one, kind of like a diary. I want to give people hope that their lives can turn around after heartbreak or when they feel at their lowest. I also want to be real about the emotions I’m going through while living halfway across the world.
This is me dipping a toe into that by making this my first blog post, and it’s more public than my Instagram. It feels more “me,” but at the same time, I feel silly—like my little life isn’t worth sharing or worth reading. But then I think, if I could help even just one girl who’s at rock bottom after a breakup, who’s lost herself, then maybe it’s worth it. I want to give hope and show that this is just the beginning.
I haven’t started off very well when it comes to being raw and honest, because I didn’t want to dump everything out in the open before my brain caught up with itself a bit as I know I was going to get through it, just needed to sober tothe other side before bombarding my depression everywhere, I am an oversharer, but that would be a bit much lol.
This week has been tough—like, really tough. I’m still trying to settle into my new room, but I’m not loving it. Some people in the house cook onions at 8 a.m. every morning, and the smell seeps into my room. The house smells old as it is, and it’s not ideal.
I’ve also been missing my friends, family, and the people I love. They’re all doing things I want to be a part of, and I just miss them. I miss my job, earning money, having a routine, and sticking to healthy habits. The job hunt has been rough—not hearing back or getting rejected is super disheartening. And the time difference is a real pain. I have to rush in the morning to catch people back home, and by 2 p.m. my time, it’s quiet until the next morning, and the cycle just repeats.
Hormones have been hitting me hard too. With PMDD and ADHD, it’s been a pretty rough time. I’ve been eating a lot, and I’m definitely feeling it in my clothes. But like I said, my feelings, not my weight lol are a lot lighter now. All the stuff that was circling my brain—the catastrophizing thoughts—they’re still there, but I feel like I have my ducks in a row a little more and I can start to manage them.
It hasn’t all been doom and gloom, it’s been quite eventful really! I’ve been trying to make new friends, and that’s gone really well! I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and posted in a Facebook group called Vancouver Girlfriends to see if there were any girls in a similar situation who might want to meet up for coffee or a walk. Megan messaged me after I posted in the group—she and her friend both moved here together, and they’re from the UK too. We met up, got along really well, and I’ve seen them quite a few times now! I also joined Bumble for Friends and met another girl called Ellie, who I also got on with. She’s 26, also from the UK—seems like us English girls gravitate towards each other! We’ve all hung out and even had a night out together, which went great. I honestly feel like an 8-year-old trying to make friends and get invited to birthday parties again, but you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do, right?
I’m still no closer to finding work, though. I’ve handed out a bunch of my resumes in person, trimmed them down to suit Canadian employers (they like them short and sweet), but the job market is tough. They want a ridiculous amount of experience and training for even basic jobs. Having had a stable job for seven years, it’s a bit of a shock. Getting rejected by a towing company call center was definitely a humbling experience 🙃.
On the health front, I’ve gone out and bought a ton of supplements and vitamins to help with my PMDD and general well-being, though I haven’t quite gotten around to eating healthier yet. I’m also struggling to stop spending money new clothes, new food, new drinks. I am trying everything under the sun—but if I stay unemployed much longer, I’ll definitely need to rein it in soon. Vancouver prices are crazy!
Even with all that, I’m glad my mood’s improved, and I’m managing to rationalize things better. I know everything will work out. Whether that’s finding a job, meeting cool people, getting healthy, and saving money for my next adventure—or, worst case, having to go home if things don’t work out. That being worst case if I’m not ready to leave. Hopefully, that doesn’t happen, but whatever happens, it’s going to be for the best.
I hope you like my website! It’s still a massive work in progress and completely unfinished, but it’s something to keep me busy and lets me write longer posts without Instagram rudely cutting me off. You can expect the usual mix of scatterbrained photos of my life over the past few weeks.
Pics are on my private insta @btscally
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